Sergio Leone Suite

I remember when I first related the world to poetry. I was 8 and had been playing in the woods by my grandmothers house. At some point, I came to a fork in the trail and I thought of Robert Frost's A Road Not Taken:

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth"

Perhaps at the time, I didn't understand the significance of having remembered a part of a poem and relating it to my reality, but I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth and say that I did in fact understand. To be honest, I understood more then, then I do now. At that age, I believed everything held some philosophical importance. I completely agreed with Shakespeare when he related the world to a stage. I believed myself to be a wonderful actress, and that my life, my world, would only be as good as I acted and partially tricked myself into believing it was. I know, you're thinking that at eight years old I couldn't possibly have put that much thought into my behavior. On the contrary, my friend. I have always put great thought into my actions and more importantly, my reactions.

My mother was a story teller, so that may have had something to do with my mentality. Most little girls want to live in fairy tales, and they dream of one day awaking in a castle to find themselves fancied as a princess. In some senses, I was the same as every little girl. I, too, wanted to live an ideal life, to marry an ideal man, and to grow into an ideal woman. The difference was that, I believed I was in a fairytale already. I sincerely believed (or believe) that all of the heartache I would endure, was only to make my ultimate fairytale story more interesting, because alas, in the end all my dreams would surely come true. My dreams weren't what every girl wanted, no, they where much more surreal. I wanted to live in an entire different reality. I wanted not to be rescued in this world, but rescued from it. To another dimension, universe, another reality.

My birthday was not too long ago, I am now nineteen years old. Maybe that's not old, but it's one year shy of catapulting me into another stage in life. This is officially my last year to bask in adolescence. Perhaps I should be excited to grow, to evolve, but I'm not. I'm worried, Reader. What kind of woman will I be? I know that is the same thought for many people, so I should refrain from feeling alone...but it's such a lonely feeling. I'm beginning to wonder if I chose to be different or if it chose me. Is there a way to tell the difference? I doubt it.

I don't know if anyone reads my blog, and if they do, I don't know if they benefit from doing so. Either way, I've decided to take a break from it. Maybe forever, maybe not. But it's because I don't feel good enough for you anymore, Reader. I think you are worth so much, and I have nothing to offer you. I need to change, I need to grow, but it's such a frightening thing to do. I intend to work on myself, to tend to the frayed pieces of my personality. To improve myself, body, mind and soul. When I return, I'll have made myself into the person I keep talking about becoming. You'll fall in love with me, Reader. You'll believe in me more than ever, I promise. When I'm through, you will never doubt me again. As of now, I'm simply doing what I always do, which is type meaningless words. Soon I will make it all actions.

Until then, I shall say farewell and ask that you don't forget me.


With love, always,
Thurayya

You know how easy it is to break me.

Inside of this dark, blistering, soul is something not even I can describe. I suppose it may be the same for most people, in the sense that everyone feels that a part of them is indescribable. It's true, I believe, that we are all in a sense "complex". But what is complexity other than a tangled mess of misunderstood emotion? If it is in fact that simple, then in can in fact be untangled, correct? Especially considering how fickle and petty emotions are.

Anyways, back to earth.
My life is back to the way it was before I had a spell of naivete (as in, before Aaron), but it's not all bad. I mean, what is "bad" anyways? It's not negative or positive, I'm just in a sort of limbo...which I'm starting to realize I never left. I am so frustrated for so many reasons, but no good ones. I mean, I was happy for 5 minutes, until I realized that blind happiness does not erase the deep rooted issues that I keep trying to avoid dealing with. I will never be able to appreciate anyone or anything until I honestly explore myself. Thankfully, I am worshipful of truth, so I have faith it will prevail.

I want to believe I'm good enough for myself, so I can believe I am more than good enough for everyone else.

Blame.

I will marry the man who recognizes that I am dancing with the devil, and asks "May I cut in?"
I'm not sure if you realize how selfish I am Reader. I have a very thin regard for others feelings. Emotions are petty and inconsequential things. They are another nuisance of humanity, like giving birth and dying. I suppose it wouldn't matter anyway, how selfish I am I mean. In the end, we all admit to our finality and drop to our knees to beg for redemption for ourselves; not one another. If their is a God, to him, we are maggots. Both literally and figuratively. We are maggots that live, breathe, breed and die in our own feces, all the while whining and squirming as if there might be a possible escape. There never was. I will not say that death is a escape, because death is neither positive nor negative. Death begets only itself and it gives no explanation and it receives none. Possibly, it is the only self respecting act we do....but I won't dig in too deep, because like I said, death speaks for silence.

I want a personal glory, the gloating kind.

Alien.

Sometimes I feel like even the closet people to me are strangers.
I will not compromise myself, do not even waste my time asking me to. And yes, this is about me. It's always been about me and always will be, because that's the only person truly indispensable to me. Is that narcissistic? Yes.

Me and me. I and I.
Do not test me, I do not falter...as far as I'm concerned at least.

Thorns made of cloud.

Treat me gently, like I'm made of glass. 

Dearest Reader, what is your greatest desire? Is it wealth? Beauty? Fame? Respect? Love?
Or are you a insightful reader? Do you wish for tangibility? Weakness? Pain? Lust? Destruction? I would hope you are insightful, I would hope you are able to read 'between the lines'.

I will not wish you happiness, because that will not make you happy. What you need is honesty and honestly, pain and longing is where happiness comes into play. Are you unhappy, Reader? For if you are, you are the fortunate fool. I do not care for "motto's" or cliches, however one stands true;
Patience is a virtue.

Dysfunctional.

As silly as it sounds, all I want is the answers to all these questions in my head. I feel so far away from who I thought I would be this time around last year and although I know that may seem irrelevant, it's putting a spin on me. When do we learn to move on and let go? There are some places and some words in my life I feel belong to certain people. To me, they're sacred and I thought I could never bring myself to share them with anyone other than the original person. I ask again, when do you learn to let go?
Perhaps that is where my issue lye. The fact is that I never learned to let go, I kitchen sink everything. So I'm coming back to that dark place, I'm regressing. It's no ones fault, there is no rhyme or reason, but I wish I would have taught myself to swim instead of relying on a lifeboat.

How many times can someone drown before they figure it out? I'm so stuck.

Heal.

Imagine if everyone was healed. The world might be a much brighter place. Even those of us that believe we aren't infected, are. By toxins in the air, by cold stares and empty words, by loveless lives filled with indifference.

The other day a friend showed his great concern for the state that the world was in. He found his mind being raped by the anxiety and hopeless concern that the few, true hero-hearted people, seem to be plagued by. He explained to me that his greatest worry lye in the possibility that our greed today, might cost our children their home, mother earth, tomorrow. However, he wasn't sure how to go about changing the course that mankind seemed to be taking. He claimed he would resort to force, an honorable option.

Still, what honor or positivity would come out of changing human nature? We humans, are destructive by human law. It is our duty and our right. It is our core, our strength and our vice. You, Reader, might believe that we are loving beings. That we all have inherited a "green thumb" so to speak, and we would actually rather see things grow and prosper. If you truly believe that, you must be so blindly naive. History stands against you, and history is the only reality there is. The truth is something that I have said before, you can't have one without the other. We are multi-faceted creatures, capable of acts that not even we can comprehend. We need destruction in order to appreciate progress and growth, but we thrive in both. He was true to his humanity when he thought of resorting to force, there is more honor in a warrior then in a lover.

There's a saying, it goes: Anger is like burning down a house to rid it of a rat.
I say, let it burn.

Unlace me.

I am a invigorated soul.
It's so interesting how life unfolds before us, with no questions, no reservation, and no motive. It is as if some force simply said "Be." and suddenly everything before is irrelevant and everything coming towards you becomes so relevant that you're brought to your knees. Now, I'm not religious, but I am beginning to understand that I have always been spiritual.

Perhaps, you must be broken to fully absorb the sun. As if, you must be porous to soak up the lessons presented to you. You can't have happiness without sadness, but you most definitely could never understand sadness without having some understanding that happiness exist.
We are all weak but we couldn't be weak unless we knew strength...and we know it well.

Don't change.

Do I really look that naive?
Yes, I am terrified. Numerous people have come forward to tell me the possible penalties I face for feeling and acting this way, what of it? It's interesting because, these same people asked me to feel/act this way for them. Unfortunately, I do not have control over my emotions, no one really does.

Let's talk about perception. What is yours? The importance perception plays in one's life is unequivocally important to the way your life will unravel. Negativity begets negativity, positivity begets positivity, both are extreme sides of the fence and no person can be completely either or. Most would believe that negativity would be the worse side to lean towards, but I disagree. Neutrality is most definitely the most troubling. To be apathetic and indifferent regarding yourself is the most pitiful state someone could be in and the truth is that is where many of us stand. Furthermore, I feel that one's perception should accommodate itself to circumstance.
Narrow mindedness begets narrow mindedness.





"You see the night is all I have to make me fear,
and all I want is just a love to make it hurt.
'Cause all I need is something fine to make me lose.
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you."

Do you really want to live forever?

Please-Please-Please don't ruin this, mind. (Yes, I am talking to my brain.) For the incessant thinking you cause, I lose precious moments in the real world.

Luckily, lately the 'real world' has been a much brighter and happier place. Part of me feels like I'm racing the clock, and that this is not a feeling that can be obtained for long. But it doesn't matter to me, 5 minutes feeling like this instilled enough hope to last. How is it, that someone can simply appear from thin air and be exactly what you needed? Perhaps there is a merciful and loving God, or perhaps two people with the same needs are somehow magnetically attracted to one another...I'm sure there could be hundreds of spiritual or scientific explanations people might come up with, but all I know is how I feel when he touches me and I would never attempt to explain something that sacred.

At this point, it's not necessarily about him as an individual, more so it is about the things that come with him. Gifts or maybe just traits, that were bestowed upon him from some divine power, that make him unlike another experience thus far in my life. I know, Reader, you're thinking: "What the hell, this soon?". Yes. Because, like I said it's not about him per-say, it's about his being, just the simple fact that he exists. Now I know I can move forward: Progress>Regress. Understand?

There is a part of me afraid of admitting how I really feel because that's always been part of my defense system, but I am releasing my inhibitions and starting anew.
When you are completely honest with yourself, when you sincerely follow your gut, you really truly are more likely to find what you desire.

Our morning.

A day of smiling and laughter, a roller coaster, and 2 shooting stars later, I am the happiest I have been in ages. Not the kind that I have been lately, where I feel what should be felt at appropriate times. This is an effortless happiness and completely accidental. I've seemed to stumble into this wonderful world-wind of chemistry and understanding. I know the potential consequences of my actions, I know it could fall just as easily as it flew. I know someone will hurt and hate, and I know I will lose valuable people in the process, but what I've gained is so great. I never believed in 'love at first sight' and I still don't, but love at first conversation....that is very real.

I told you, Reader, that I would do what was the best for myself from now on and I think I am.
...Oh, I know I am.

1616

Trust isn't something you can negotiate. You either have it, or you never had it and once you lose it, the chances of getting it back are slim to none. I beginning to see that you never betray the trust of the people you irrevocably love. Yes, I have been a Judas of trust, just not to those who really make a difference.

I'm unforgivably human.

Unlike someone wise, I hate things. I hate emotions, my parents, carrots, ignorance, taxes and words. Most of all, I hate emotions. Not because I hate what they persuade people to do, no, I'm not that sentimental. Actually, I love watching people act on emotion like puppets on string, it's amusing. I just hate having them. They force me to write this moronic blog filled with absolutely nothing. I hate them because had I been fortunate enough to avoid them, my life would be absolute genius. Imagine, Reader, a life where you did everything because it makes sense! Brilliant.

*Laughs* Is laughing while typing insane?

I'm afraid I'm being too honest right now, someone should save me from my head. S.0.S

My mother wrote a prayer for my sisters and I to recite before bed when I was a young child, it goes like this:

"Oh Allah, I pray tonight and ask of you to bring us light. To send the angels to see us through, and help us be good girls for you. Our life is yours, so help us be, your servants for eternity. Amen."

I'm not religious anymore, but reciting this in my head when I feel like it might explode calms me. It's eerie actually, and brings chills down my spine....Feels like home.


Oh Reader, what's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

I loathe Shakespeare.

Xtinguish.

Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Obviously Mr. Tennyson has never loved. For him to think that the aftermath of love is worth the actual experience, means he must of been a masochist and personally, I would never take advice from someone of that nature.

Good God, what is my problem? How is it, that when I get exactly what I want, I can't handle it? Maybe I'm a masochist....Maybe, I think that good things just aren't meant to happen to me. You know, I think I'm not mature or strong enough to handle the present. I'm so frightened by living, by feeling and by becoming attached to any moment or any emotion. So, I avoid the present by constantly living in the past or waiting for the future.

A good friend (in fact a best friend), told me that the 'future' was the loneliest of all time. The 'past' has had it's time and remains always and forever concrete in it's occurrence, and the 'present' embraces you while you thrive in it....but the future is like a faint thought that you can't quite put into words, like a ghost the future is transparent and impossible to understand.

Reader, is it wrong that I miss the past so much that it hurts? I feel like my heart is on fire. The worst part is that I know I'm making the right decision. I know that I won't go back, because I know I shouldn't. Still, I never thought it would come to this. Past all the tears and screaming, I thought the outcome would be........I thought wrong. When I think about the factors as to why I feel this way, I am completely revolted with myself.

This is the last time I will write about this.
From now on Reader, we are moving on. Officially.

Yeild.

I'm an extremist.
As far as I'm concerned, it's all or nothing. I get everything you have to give or I have nothing to do with it. Gray area's are for things that don't matter...So, why do I feel like that's where I am?
It's easy to see how bitter I am, it's dangerously obvious. I have no qualm with that condemnation and I accept it for what it is. Actually, I think bitterness suits me, serves me as an old friend that's not really friendly.

'Longing' is a fleeting feeling and I'm not sure if it's as tangible as it seems, but I do know that it wakes me from sleep like a person without a face. Should I be horrified? Or justified, in the sense that I know it's only now real because I document it's existence? Do you understand, Reader? Is it only a problem because I recognize my concern for it? Perhaps, it's not even as strong a feeling as I make it seem. Perhaps I feel I should feel strongly, but I simply feel reminiscent.

I appreciate the truth, not matter how many thorns it brings.

Fly.

For so long, I've felt like my life was void of so many things. I felt like so much was missing and I had to search the world for it. I always thought I was racing the clock of life, for my life. How mistaken I was.

I'm beginning to see that what you feel is what your life becomes. I have all the beautiful things life has to offer inside of me, and I've had it all along. I allowed the wrong people into my life. They suppressed the urge to fly inside of me, and I let them take away my real happiness and instead place their false happiness in it's place. But I didn't need any one's happiness, because the real kind lives strong inside of me.

What I needed was to rid myself of the leeches in my life, who were sucking out my ability to think straight. Leeches are selfish, and I thought I was being selfless by allowing myself to be the host. I was ignorant. The truth is that being 'selfless' is ultimately selfish. I ended up blaming the world for my emptiness, but it was my fault for not breaking free when I was so aware that I needed to. Who can help you, if you won't if attempt to help yourself? You don't love someone because they're a good person, they are a good person because you love them. Loving someone because they make you feel alive, real, and tangible, might be selfish, but it allows you to be honest with the reasons why you love them.

My darling Reader, I am breaking free.
I recognize happiness, beautiful selfish happiness , the only true kind.

You are a fraud.

"Birds of a feather flock together."

It's true, that the people you allow in your life are a reflection of yourself. When you befriend or tolerate someone who's behavior isn't what "you would do", it may as well be. You're telling the world that you condone said persons behavior and that it's dandy with you.

So your friend is racist. "'Oh, but, I'm not racist"....You may as well be, you're befriending someone who is. That is inadvertently accepting their behavior and adopting it, just like you adopt the friendship.

Your friend is a gossiper and has a habit of backbiting. Of course, you're way too "naive" to notice, and it's not like you're saying anything. Again, you may as well be talking as much as he/she. Do you have any balls? Do you stick up for the people she/he talks about? Is she/he honest, and say those things in front of subjected person? If the answer is "No" to those three questions, then YOU, are also a dishonest slanderer.

The reality is that most people don't have the guts to surround themselves with good people. That being because, most good people end up being dishonest due to the fact that are surrounded with dishonest people who also used to be good. Crazy huh? But very true and very pathetic. It's not rocket science people, I'm not telling anyone something they didn't already know.

I don't expect anyone to be saintly and I don't even want you to be. Still, think about whether or not you have to watch what you say in front of 'certain' people. Are these people your supposed 'friends'? If you don't have room enough in your friendship for honesty, then you never had friendship to begin with.

Which brings me to another topic, loyalty. Something most people know absolutely nothing about. The people you are loyal to are not perfect, because no one is. The people you are loyal to are not godly or necessarily talented, because those are not reasons to announce loyalty. The people one should chose to be loyal to are the people who are consistent and loyal to a certain type of lifestyle. These kinds of people are persistent in their pursuit to see positivity spring from whatever they can. The people you are loyal to, never test your loyalty, but when they do, it is with very strong feeling. Are you loyal to the right people?

I have wasted loyalty before, I will never get all that energy and dedication back. They couldn't return the gesture....in simple (and vulgar) words, "They had no balls" and definitely weren't consistent in any aspect of their lives.

I want to be a good friend of yours, Reader;
I hope in return you will be honest and loyal.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/thurayya

Noh mask.

The subject of 'insecurity' has come to my attention many times. It's one of those pesky truths about life, but most especially about adolescence. The whole world lives in a perpetual state of insecurity, and it causes unnecessary apprehension in your being.
I know, for the most part, that this blog has been anonymous...but, I want to attach myself to it. Honestly. Completely. Faithfully. Something resembling a functional relationship, that I will never actually obtain in reality.

Last night, I attempted to be honest. Not the kind of honest where you simply tell the forgiving truth, but the kind of honest where you tell the truth exactly the way it appears in your mind. The kind people, appreciative of honesty or not, never ever want to hear. Honest in the way that seems cruel. The kind of honesty your mind damns you to deal with, but not the kind it intends for you to share.
Consequently, it was not appreciated, a result I expected, a result I could understand. Still, I love the person I was honest with. Not the kind of love where you swoon, but the kind where you would take a bullet, or a knife to the heart, if that would ensure their longevity and happiness in life. I had hoped they would see me finally opening my soul, they would appreciate and admire it, they would do so in turn, and it would prove our love true ever lasting. That, expectantly, did not occur. They were angered and hurt, and I was not apologetic, simply sympathetic. I used to swoon over said person. I had been in love. I am not anymore. I know that tonight, for absolute sure, after last night.

Nevertheless, I feel that experience upset something deep within me, but also aroused a new taste of free-will. What might become of all my relationships with others if I was the most pure state of honest with them? They say that truth is priceless and divine, but to me the "truth" leaves much to be desired and I do not believe that world wants it.

See, 'truth' is like a beautiful woman, who so hideously sleeps with many men and even worse, she smiles about it and deems herself guiltless for being honest. You dislike her, and you may deny her validity, but you must admit her courage, but more importantly, her beauty...you can't hate her.

Most people are moral and just, which is why most people are not honest. The truth is offensive, immoral, inappropriate, and vulgar. Should I become a student of dishonesty, and live my life with a façade to ensure my place in society? Or should I become a slave to honesty, and live my life by the current, with no shield but also with no vice?

I think, Reader, you could see why I might be amused by the latter.

Review: Tekkonkinkreet

Tekkonkinkreet is an absolutely excellent film. There is so much to discuss regarding this movie, I barely know where to start. For those of you Anime fans (like me), you'll appreciate the detailed animation. However, even if you are not a fan of 'cartoons', upon watching this movie, you will have to admit the very crucial and incredibly profound plot exhibited so meticulously.
This is what the back of the DVD box says:

"...In Treasure Town, life can be both gentle and brutal. This is never truer for our heroes, Black and White, two street urchins who watch over the city, doing battle with an array of old-world Yakuza and alien assassins vying to rule the decaying metropolis."

The movie is an adaptation from Aniplex and Sony pictures of the popular manga written by Taiyo Matsumomo. I can not stress what a good flick this is. There is a depth to it that is too deep and too diverse for me to explain to you, it's something you must witness for yourself and will affect you as an individual. This is not a new picture, I believe it was released in 2007, but I had the pleasure of watching it for the first time about 3 months ago. It's definitely one of my absolute favorites now.

Btw: a "Yakuza" pretty much refers gangster in Japanese, but it is not a direct translatable word

Vexed

People are so terribly disappointing. I'm sure it's no one's fault, simply they are at fault for being human. Still, I find myself newly disappointed all the time. I know I am greatly liable, being as I am also condemned to constant inconsistency. Sometimes, I wish words didn't exist. I wish I didn't have to communicated with you through these absurd letters. I feel so foolish, because it is a vain attempt at a connection. My petty attempt at intercourse with you, The Reader. All I have ever wanted was intimacy with you, a stranger. I fear my words do not have conviction enough to entice such an exceptional act. Can you tell, Reader? That I can never get to the core of my conviction? That I run in a circle of futile attempts to actually express what I really mean? It's such a strain to hold back, but it's impossible to release. How, I ask you, how can I ever be a decent, let alone note-worthy writer, if I can not learn to release? Not in any sense, do I know how to release. Not when I speak, not when I touch, and certainly not when I write.

However, I hold this inter-web journal (or whatever you may call it) close to my mind.
You shall not perish, dear Reader.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/thurayya

Evolve

My life is taking shape, I will soon diminish and in my place a new specimen will emerge.

Once, I was told that when a caterpillar goes into it's cocoon, it embarks on a unbelievable journey of transformation. However, the pain felt by the caterpillar is so remarkable, that I could only imagine how physically agonizing it actually is. Still, I think I'm beginning to understand how mentally and emotionally dreadful it is.
The other day, my younger sister told me she was afraid of growing up and that she would avoid doing so if given the choice. I should have told her that she was wise, but instead, I lied and told her there was nothing to be afraid of. Funny thing is, when I was her age, I was so excited to grow up. I was convinced that I would simply grow wings and fly...I've yet to grow wings, I am nothing like the caterpillar.

But perhaps, one must build their own wings.

Sora

Our parents are our greatest patrons and our worst enemies. They may have simply brought you into the world, or they may have gone further to bring you up in the world, and if you're anything like me, they brought you up so far, only to abandon you mid-childhood. The influence and impressions they cement into our minds are so deep and detailed, even we can not fully comprehend. We can not abandon our parents, just like they can never really deny us. We are their legacy in the flesh, whether it be positive or negative, they are instilled in our fingertips.

For instance, my mother.

My mother was a beautiful woman. She was intelligent, imaginative, exciting and interesting...However, she was also, a habitual liar, manipulative, and exceedingly selfish. I can't stress the amount of influence this woman had on me. To me, my mother was the bravest, kindest, and most beautiful creature alive! She always knew exactly what to do when a problem might arise, but she particularly knew exactly what to say. If ever I have known a temptress, my mother is she. This Jezebel woman, could wrap anyone, man/or woman, around her finger with mere conversation. She was eerily witty, and undeniably talented in her skill to make you believe she was right, even when she was horribly wrong. In short, she was a tactician.

One of my biggest fears is to be like her, but I am afraid that is exactly who my personality resembles.

They say that ultimately you decide who and what you are, and while I'm sure this is partially true, it's not in its entirety. You are shaped by your environment, and you are molded into a reflection of some sort. Individuality is your soul, something you came with, something hidden and protected layers beneath, and it's the strength to dig deep within yourself and find it, that's makes you a better/different individual. However, your senses are used every hour or every day, and are in constant contact with the outside world. You hear, see, touch, taste, smell, your surroundings, your persuasive habitat.
For so long, I used all my energy to conduct myself in a way not influenced by anything...or so I thought, but the truth was, I was doing exactly what I was taught.

I was being exactly who everyone expected me to become.
I am much more predictable then I would ever like to admit.

Artificial Intelligence.

F-f-f-f-ind yourself.

My life is not tragic. It is not pleasurable. It is not mine.
Like everything, we humans, make life to be a possession, but that is false. Life does not belong to us, it is not ours to critic or referee. When we feel it has been fulfilled or wasted, we misconstrue, when the reality is that we have no credited hypothesis regarding the matter. Although, one may argue that, life, a series of events, is yours to define and obtain. But, I ask you, does an event belong to us? If it does, then does a joyous occurrence as well? Or a unfortunate one? Or are all of these happening simple, well, happenings? I understand that we want to believe every incident in life happens for some sacrosanct reason, but I beg to differ. I personally, believe that thought is another psychological vanity that is deep rooted and ill esteem in our truthfully, sad, feeble and pathetic repetitive lives.





Please, excuse my ranter, I am feeling very cynical and pessimistic today... but perhaps this is when I am the most realistic.

Behibak.

There are a few things in life that are so glorious that you spend your life trying to feel them again. Emotions that are both indescribable and uncanny, but so invigorating. For instance, that moment in your life that you are so in love that every song on the radio relates to you and the air on your skin feels like the world is holding you, while the words that spill from your mouth are ripe and sweet, and the glow from your eyes enchants everyone around you.

Or that night that you spent crying over spiteful words thrown at you and you're so exhausted from sadness, that it's as if suddenly you're guardian angel sprinkles a touch of peace atop you, and you sleep better and deeper then ever before.

That day you looked yourself in the eye, and finally came to accept yourself.


While all of these situations may occur numerous times in your life, it's the initial feeling that sticks to your mind. We all have something in common, we all want to obtain our ultimate happiness, and although that sounds so simple, it's the most complicated desire to have. Something that may have initially made you happy, can expire or sour, and become the source of your unhappiness. Or you may desire something or someone and it is nothing like it seemed. Maybe you find yourself evolving into a different individual and what once made you happy, is now simply disappointment.

But I realize that 'happiness' is such an incredibly relative word, and I may never truly understand it. So, should I advise you to live in the current happiness in life? In this moments happiness? But, why do people have savings banks? Surely, because you must invest in your future? Then again, is the future guaranteed? Certainly not. Still, what would happen if I took a plane to Vienna with no detailed plans and no extra money, would I be making myself happy and fulfilling my dreams? Or ....

This goes on and on.
Basically, I want to believe that everyone eventually follows their dreams.
I hope I do.

Expell excessive vanity.

UPDATE: I cut my hair off. (^here^) {I look hideous, but I promise it's not so bad}

I cut my hair.

Celestial soul

I have what I need, just not abreast me, may I be excused to retrieve it?
Am I able to momentarily leave the grand 'feast' of life?
Surely I will not be missed from this tireless buffet of trials and tribulations.
May I? Or should I ask...
Can I?
Is it possible?
Should I call for an attendant?
Although, I don't believe one is necessary.
Perhaps it is however, one does not know what could be lurking in the darkness.

Light my candle.

WHY do I have so many expectations for myself? Honestly, HONESTLY, who do I think I am? It just feels like I'm suffocating myself, but I'm failing at that too. I just wish I could say that I knew what I wanted, but all I can say is that I think I know what I want. Why aren't I sure? Is it because I'm 'young and naïve'? 'Cause if youth is the biggest factor playing into this, then please, Father Time, speed up. If it's wisdom I'm lacking, then would you please point me in the right direction? I'm so very lost.

Seriously though, what do I want?'
It's funny because, people always tells me I seem "responsible, insightful, and articulate"....if only they really knew.

Let's plan this out together...


I'll grow up (one day) travel the world (or not) fall in love (skipping that part) write a novel? (overrated) grow a beard,, get a truck driving license, join the circus....okay, now I'm just being silly and this was a FAIL of a plan, but it's an example of how my mind works.

Why can't you buy the really important things in life? Like, oh I don't know, a good life?

.....where the h*ll am I going with this?

This sonata.

There will never be a question in your life that you do not have the answer to. We, as in, you and I alike, live in a constant state of confusion, disbelief, and/or speechlessness. I have no remedy for this immutable issue, just like I have no remedy to most...simply theories. However, You, my friend, have all the answers you need. Whatever pain and heartbreak you have endured, are insignificant to this very moment. Right Now. This Second. Because this is the most important time in your life. It has the potential to be perfect and unforgettable, or terrible and bitter. More then likely, it will simply be another unrecognizable moment in your life, and for that, I am still grateful to be a part of it.

Sometimes, I don't know where to find happiness. It's as if I'm suddenly walking in a dark room, with my hands tied behind my back, everything seems destitute...then! suddenly! Just as easily, a switch is turned and my eyes are pierced by light. This doesn't mean I am in a better situation, probably worse, with my hands behind my back, I am, or feel I am, unable to facilitate my life for progression. If I could only see the truth! Sadly, eyes see only an illusion and not what is so crucial for genuine understanding. The only way I can see myself, or anyone, ever truly appreciating life, is to live in this.very.moment.

Words.
All I do is type words.
I live the same illusion I forsake.

Your music gives me fever.

Time has seemed to exaggerate my feelings, or rather, exasperated them.
It's true, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but somehow I doubt that applies to this situation.
I suppose more than anything, it's rerouting my routine, my life. When you're so accustomed to arguments simply because you looked forward to the making up...but what way is that to live? Trust plays the biggest factor, and if you are void of it, then I suppose you never had anything to begin with, at least nothing substantial.

Where is my issue? I feel it, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Immature jealousy, perchance? I put so much work into shaping our mold, but I did not wait for it to dry, and whomever may walk by, will enjoy the finished product that I put so much of myself into.
Howbeit, this is how it works, this is how love and life work.

@@@<----___----->@@@

I don't understand.

I used to understand...

Maybe, I never understood.

This is pointless.



Sincerely,
ennui

I know...

BIG CHANGES ARE TAKING PLACE.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for them, but I know they are more than ready for me. This is a point where you either jump or you're left behind, and I'll be damned if I allow my own potential to slip away from me. I know who I am and if what I think is incorrect, I will soon find out. Either way, this world was meant for me and I for it.

Post-haste

Dear Love,

You were, easily, my favorite feeling
but
feelings fade, and eventually tire.
I couldn't tell you what I wanted exactly, it's just not that easy.
Still, next time you come my way, these are a few things I desire.

I want him to love me, with such a fierce passion that it's like gravity that pulls me toward him and him towards me. Without me, he should be unable to function. Sleep. Eat. Live.
When he says my name, I want to hear him, miles away, days away, I want his echo to live within me. Sweet Love, please make sure he finds me unparalleled to all others, make sure he see's the sunrise and sunset in my eyes.

Allow us to build a story, worth telling, worth hearing. He should be selfish in his quest for my attention, for my affection. However, he will lead me to my dreams...perhaps, the dreams will swim within him and only my heart will be the key to his Pandora, his heart. Yes, Love, I think that would do nicely. When death comes to our door, our love should linger and whichever is left behind, should never be lonely.

Lastly, I hope you will bring him to me in a timely manner, for I do not wish to waste anymore time in life living void of him.



Respectfully, ever so worshipful, and adoringly,
Your loyal disciple.

Untitled

i am nothing like you know me and i have forgotten why i looked into your eyes. you are hideous and i hate you. i hope you die slowly, i hope you feel every aspect of pain and when life seeps through your teeth, i hope it chokes you, ever. so. gently.

you are an illusion, you are not me. you are a mirage, you are not me.
aesthetic value is nothing, you are made of clay and i shall paint upon you, a face.
lifeless and misunderstood, you will understand ambiguity.

be careful not to shatter.
you will chip, you will crack.
finally, you will decompose.
we will forget the whereabouts of your stone.
we have forgotten the whereabouts of your yard.
I will paint you a new face, it should be grave.
I suspect.

Untitled

Do not frown at your laugh lines; ungratefulness is aging and foul. When I listen, I hear not what you say, but feel what you do not say. You are an image of perfection, with all of your imperfections, which I so perfectly love so imperfectly. Do not long for the luxuries of youth; rejoice for the wisdom of age. Eyes, with their pupils like black holes, see what is before them, but not what is beyond them. Everything in life is a secret ready to be possessed, should I look? No, do not open your eyes. I will take a light and shine it at your eyelids, you will know sun. No, not to see sun, rather, you will feel sun. Like everything, like everyone, your story will be impossible to see, almost impossible to hear, but so ready to be felt. I do not believe that I would like to be deaf, but I have wished to be blind. What is it that we are so vain to think we need to see what is around us? I can feel water or oil in my hands, and know the difference, my eyes merely confirm it.

Felix sit annus novus

AGH <--I'm not sure what sound that is, but just label it as a "grunt of frustration". Whomever reads my blogs has quite some patience, because more than half of the time I sound like a babbling idiot. I don't know where I'm going with these blogs, and if I started off knowing, I end up somewhere on the far, far, left. I need friends... Scratch that, I need a hobby. Recently, I've taken to running and it's proving to be quite consoling. If I could sum up what my brain goes through on a daily basis, doing daily insignificant task, I would compare it to what the rest of my body goes through when I run. Considering I am extremely out of shape, I find myself out of breath from merely 10 minutes of consistent jogging, and getting my breath back? Well, that's nearly impossible. Eeating right, check, working out, check, the ddiscipline to keep it up....uhhhh...

Happy New Year, everyone! How exciting to have arrived in this clean slate...not. I don't understand every one's obsession with "new years" and "resolutions", it's completely preposterous to think that this year is actually that much different than the last ( besides the fact that two years from now the world shall end and all will be futile and lost forever). This brings me back to the age old question of time, what is time? And how is it that we can accurately measure it? Does it exist? And if it does, is it really relevant? Etc, Etc.

How nonsensical, to think that the 1st of January actually excuses you from the previous months of fatuous behavior. It does not. And realistically, you'll go through this year trying to make it so different from the last, that it's as if last year was just yesterday, so you've therefore carried it into your "so-called" clean slate.

Hmm, but really, if I am to have a 'resolution', it will be to work on my negativity...it's not very becoming.

Surely 2010 will be more forgiving than 2009? After all, it probably couldn't be much worse than what 2012 (the movie, that is).