Sergio Leone Suite

I remember when I first related the world to poetry. I was 8 and had been playing in the woods by my grandmothers house. At some point, I came to a fork in the trail and I thought of Robert Frost's A Road Not Taken:

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth"

Perhaps at the time, I didn't understand the significance of having remembered a part of a poem and relating it to my reality, but I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth and say that I did in fact understand. To be honest, I understood more then, then I do now. At that age, I believed everything held some philosophical importance. I completely agreed with Shakespeare when he related the world to a stage. I believed myself to be a wonderful actress, and that my life, my world, would only be as good as I acted and partially tricked myself into believing it was. I know, you're thinking that at eight years old I couldn't possibly have put that much thought into my behavior. On the contrary, my friend. I have always put great thought into my actions and more importantly, my reactions.

My mother was a story teller, so that may have had something to do with my mentality. Most little girls want to live in fairy tales, and they dream of one day awaking in a castle to find themselves fancied as a princess. In some senses, I was the same as every little girl. I, too, wanted to live an ideal life, to marry an ideal man, and to grow into an ideal woman. The difference was that, I believed I was in a fairytale already. I sincerely believed (or believe) that all of the heartache I would endure, was only to make my ultimate fairytale story more interesting, because alas, in the end all my dreams would surely come true. My dreams weren't what every girl wanted, no, they where much more surreal. I wanted to live in an entire different reality. I wanted not to be rescued in this world, but rescued from it. To another dimension, universe, another reality.

My birthday was not too long ago, I am now nineteen years old. Maybe that's not old, but it's one year shy of catapulting me into another stage in life. This is officially my last year to bask in adolescence. Perhaps I should be excited to grow, to evolve, but I'm not. I'm worried, Reader. What kind of woman will I be? I know that is the same thought for many people, so I should refrain from feeling alone...but it's such a lonely feeling. I'm beginning to wonder if I chose to be different or if it chose me. Is there a way to tell the difference? I doubt it.

I don't know if anyone reads my blog, and if they do, I don't know if they benefit from doing so. Either way, I've decided to take a break from it. Maybe forever, maybe not. But it's because I don't feel good enough for you anymore, Reader. I think you are worth so much, and I have nothing to offer you. I need to change, I need to grow, but it's such a frightening thing to do. I intend to work on myself, to tend to the frayed pieces of my personality. To improve myself, body, mind and soul. When I return, I'll have made myself into the person I keep talking about becoming. You'll fall in love with me, Reader. You'll believe in me more than ever, I promise. When I'm through, you will never doubt me again. As of now, I'm simply doing what I always do, which is type meaningless words. Soon I will make it all actions.

Until then, I shall say farewell and ask that you don't forget me.


With love, always,
Thurayya

You know how easy it is to break me.

Inside of this dark, blistering, soul is something not even I can describe. I suppose it may be the same for most people, in the sense that everyone feels that a part of them is indescribable. It's true, I believe, that we are all in a sense "complex". But what is complexity other than a tangled mess of misunderstood emotion? If it is in fact that simple, then in can in fact be untangled, correct? Especially considering how fickle and petty emotions are.

Anyways, back to earth.
My life is back to the way it was before I had a spell of naivete (as in, before Aaron), but it's not all bad. I mean, what is "bad" anyways? It's not negative or positive, I'm just in a sort of limbo...which I'm starting to realize I never left. I am so frustrated for so many reasons, but no good ones. I mean, I was happy for 5 minutes, until I realized that blind happiness does not erase the deep rooted issues that I keep trying to avoid dealing with. I will never be able to appreciate anyone or anything until I honestly explore myself. Thankfully, I am worshipful of truth, so I have faith it will prevail.

I want to believe I'm good enough for myself, so I can believe I am more than good enough for everyone else.

Blame.

I will marry the man who recognizes that I am dancing with the devil, and asks "May I cut in?"
I'm not sure if you realize how selfish I am Reader. I have a very thin regard for others feelings. Emotions are petty and inconsequential things. They are another nuisance of humanity, like giving birth and dying. I suppose it wouldn't matter anyway, how selfish I am I mean. In the end, we all admit to our finality and drop to our knees to beg for redemption for ourselves; not one another. If their is a God, to him, we are maggots. Both literally and figuratively. We are maggots that live, breathe, breed and die in our own feces, all the while whining and squirming as if there might be a possible escape. There never was. I will not say that death is a escape, because death is neither positive nor negative. Death begets only itself and it gives no explanation and it receives none. Possibly, it is the only self respecting act we do....but I won't dig in too deep, because like I said, death speaks for silence.

I want a personal glory, the gloating kind.

Alien.

Sometimes I feel like even the closet people to me are strangers.
I will not compromise myself, do not even waste my time asking me to. And yes, this is about me. It's always been about me and always will be, because that's the only person truly indispensable to me. Is that narcissistic? Yes.

Me and me. I and I.
Do not test me, I do not falter...as far as I'm concerned at least.

Thorns made of cloud.

Treat me gently, like I'm made of glass. 

Dearest Reader, what is your greatest desire? Is it wealth? Beauty? Fame? Respect? Love?
Or are you a insightful reader? Do you wish for tangibility? Weakness? Pain? Lust? Destruction? I would hope you are insightful, I would hope you are able to read 'between the lines'.

I will not wish you happiness, because that will not make you happy. What you need is honesty and honestly, pain and longing is where happiness comes into play. Are you unhappy, Reader? For if you are, you are the fortunate fool. I do not care for "motto's" or cliches, however one stands true;
Patience is a virtue.

Dysfunctional.

As silly as it sounds, all I want is the answers to all these questions in my head. I feel so far away from who I thought I would be this time around last year and although I know that may seem irrelevant, it's putting a spin on me. When do we learn to move on and let go? There are some places and some words in my life I feel belong to certain people. To me, they're sacred and I thought I could never bring myself to share them with anyone other than the original person. I ask again, when do you learn to let go?
Perhaps that is where my issue lye. The fact is that I never learned to let go, I kitchen sink everything. So I'm coming back to that dark place, I'm regressing. It's no ones fault, there is no rhyme or reason, but I wish I would have taught myself to swim instead of relying on a lifeboat.

How many times can someone drown before they figure it out? I'm so stuck.

Heal.

Imagine if everyone was healed. The world might be a much brighter place. Even those of us that believe we aren't infected, are. By toxins in the air, by cold stares and empty words, by loveless lives filled with indifference.

The other day a friend showed his great concern for the state that the world was in. He found his mind being raped by the anxiety and hopeless concern that the few, true hero-hearted people, seem to be plagued by. He explained to me that his greatest worry lye in the possibility that our greed today, might cost our children their home, mother earth, tomorrow. However, he wasn't sure how to go about changing the course that mankind seemed to be taking. He claimed he would resort to force, an honorable option.

Still, what honor or positivity would come out of changing human nature? We humans, are destructive by human law. It is our duty and our right. It is our core, our strength and our vice. You, Reader, might believe that we are loving beings. That we all have inherited a "green thumb" so to speak, and we would actually rather see things grow and prosper. If you truly believe that, you must be so blindly naive. History stands against you, and history is the only reality there is. The truth is something that I have said before, you can't have one without the other. We are multi-faceted creatures, capable of acts that not even we can comprehend. We need destruction in order to appreciate progress and growth, but we thrive in both. He was true to his humanity when he thought of resorting to force, there is more honor in a warrior then in a lover.

There's a saying, it goes: Anger is like burning down a house to rid it of a rat.
I say, let it burn.

Unlace me.

I am a invigorated soul.
It's so interesting how life unfolds before us, with no questions, no reservation, and no motive. It is as if some force simply said "Be." and suddenly everything before is irrelevant and everything coming towards you becomes so relevant that you're brought to your knees. Now, I'm not religious, but I am beginning to understand that I have always been spiritual.

Perhaps, you must be broken to fully absorb the sun. As if, you must be porous to soak up the lessons presented to you. You can't have happiness without sadness, but you most definitely could never understand sadness without having some understanding that happiness exist.
We are all weak but we couldn't be weak unless we knew strength...and we know it well.

Don't change.

Do I really look that naive?
Yes, I am terrified. Numerous people have come forward to tell me the possible penalties I face for feeling and acting this way, what of it? It's interesting because, these same people asked me to feel/act this way for them. Unfortunately, I do not have control over my emotions, no one really does.

Let's talk about perception. What is yours? The importance perception plays in one's life is unequivocally important to the way your life will unravel. Negativity begets negativity, positivity begets positivity, both are extreme sides of the fence and no person can be completely either or. Most would believe that negativity would be the worse side to lean towards, but I disagree. Neutrality is most definitely the most troubling. To be apathetic and indifferent regarding yourself is the most pitiful state someone could be in and the truth is that is where many of us stand. Furthermore, I feel that one's perception should accommodate itself to circumstance.
Narrow mindedness begets narrow mindedness.





"You see the night is all I have to make me fear,
and all I want is just a love to make it hurt.
'Cause all I need is something fine to make me lose.
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you."

Do you really want to live forever?

Please-Please-Please don't ruin this, mind. (Yes, I am talking to my brain.) For the incessant thinking you cause, I lose precious moments in the real world.

Luckily, lately the 'real world' has been a much brighter and happier place. Part of me feels like I'm racing the clock, and that this is not a feeling that can be obtained for long. But it doesn't matter to me, 5 minutes feeling like this instilled enough hope to last. How is it, that someone can simply appear from thin air and be exactly what you needed? Perhaps there is a merciful and loving God, or perhaps two people with the same needs are somehow magnetically attracted to one another...I'm sure there could be hundreds of spiritual or scientific explanations people might come up with, but all I know is how I feel when he touches me and I would never attempt to explain something that sacred.

At this point, it's not necessarily about him as an individual, more so it is about the things that come with him. Gifts or maybe just traits, that were bestowed upon him from some divine power, that make him unlike another experience thus far in my life. I know, Reader, you're thinking: "What the hell, this soon?". Yes. Because, like I said it's not about him per-say, it's about his being, just the simple fact that he exists. Now I know I can move forward: Progress>Regress. Understand?

There is a part of me afraid of admitting how I really feel because that's always been part of my defense system, but I am releasing my inhibitions and starting anew.
When you are completely honest with yourself, when you sincerely follow your gut, you really truly are more likely to find what you desire.

Our morning.

A day of smiling and laughter, a roller coaster, and 2 shooting stars later, I am the happiest I have been in ages. Not the kind that I have been lately, where I feel what should be felt at appropriate times. This is an effortless happiness and completely accidental. I've seemed to stumble into this wonderful world-wind of chemistry and understanding. I know the potential consequences of my actions, I know it could fall just as easily as it flew. I know someone will hurt and hate, and I know I will lose valuable people in the process, but what I've gained is so great. I never believed in 'love at first sight' and I still don't, but love at first conversation....that is very real.

I told you, Reader, that I would do what was the best for myself from now on and I think I am.
...Oh, I know I am.

1616

Trust isn't something you can negotiate. You either have it, or you never had it and once you lose it, the chances of getting it back are slim to none. I beginning to see that you never betray the trust of the people you irrevocably love. Yes, I have been a Judas of trust, just not to those who really make a difference.

I'm unforgivably human.

Unlike someone wise, I hate things. I hate emotions, my parents, carrots, ignorance, taxes and words. Most of all, I hate emotions. Not because I hate what they persuade people to do, no, I'm not that sentimental. Actually, I love watching people act on emotion like puppets on string, it's amusing. I just hate having them. They force me to write this moronic blog filled with absolutely nothing. I hate them because had I been fortunate enough to avoid them, my life would be absolute genius. Imagine, Reader, a life where you did everything because it makes sense! Brilliant.

*Laughs* Is laughing while typing insane?

I'm afraid I'm being too honest right now, someone should save me from my head. S.0.S

My mother wrote a prayer for my sisters and I to recite before bed when I was a young child, it goes like this:

"Oh Allah, I pray tonight and ask of you to bring us light. To send the angels to see us through, and help us be good girls for you. Our life is yours, so help us be, your servants for eternity. Amen."

I'm not religious anymore, but reciting this in my head when I feel like it might explode calms me. It's eerie actually, and brings chills down my spine....Feels like home.


Oh Reader, what's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

I loathe Shakespeare.

Xtinguish.

Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Obviously Mr. Tennyson has never loved. For him to think that the aftermath of love is worth the actual experience, means he must of been a masochist and personally, I would never take advice from someone of that nature.

Good God, what is my problem? How is it, that when I get exactly what I want, I can't handle it? Maybe I'm a masochist....Maybe, I think that good things just aren't meant to happen to me. You know, I think I'm not mature or strong enough to handle the present. I'm so frightened by living, by feeling and by becoming attached to any moment or any emotion. So, I avoid the present by constantly living in the past or waiting for the future.

A good friend (in fact a best friend), told me that the 'future' was the loneliest of all time. The 'past' has had it's time and remains always and forever concrete in it's occurrence, and the 'present' embraces you while you thrive in it....but the future is like a faint thought that you can't quite put into words, like a ghost the future is transparent and impossible to understand.

Reader, is it wrong that I miss the past so much that it hurts? I feel like my heart is on fire. The worst part is that I know I'm making the right decision. I know that I won't go back, because I know I shouldn't. Still, I never thought it would come to this. Past all the tears and screaming, I thought the outcome would be........I thought wrong. When I think about the factors as to why I feel this way, I am completely revolted with myself.

This is the last time I will write about this.
From now on Reader, we are moving on. Officially.

Yeild.

I'm an extremist.
As far as I'm concerned, it's all or nothing. I get everything you have to give or I have nothing to do with it. Gray area's are for things that don't matter...So, why do I feel like that's where I am?
It's easy to see how bitter I am, it's dangerously obvious. I have no qualm with that condemnation and I accept it for what it is. Actually, I think bitterness suits me, serves me as an old friend that's not really friendly.

'Longing' is a fleeting feeling and I'm not sure if it's as tangible as it seems, but I do know that it wakes me from sleep like a person without a face. Should I be horrified? Or justified, in the sense that I know it's only now real because I document it's existence? Do you understand, Reader? Is it only a problem because I recognize my concern for it? Perhaps, it's not even as strong a feeling as I make it seem. Perhaps I feel I should feel strongly, but I simply feel reminiscent.

I appreciate the truth, not matter how many thorns it brings.

Fly.

For so long, I've felt like my life was void of so many things. I felt like so much was missing and I had to search the world for it. I always thought I was racing the clock of life, for my life. How mistaken I was.

I'm beginning to see that what you feel is what your life becomes. I have all the beautiful things life has to offer inside of me, and I've had it all along. I allowed the wrong people into my life. They suppressed the urge to fly inside of me, and I let them take away my real happiness and instead place their false happiness in it's place. But I didn't need any one's happiness, because the real kind lives strong inside of me.

What I needed was to rid myself of the leeches in my life, who were sucking out my ability to think straight. Leeches are selfish, and I thought I was being selfless by allowing myself to be the host. I was ignorant. The truth is that being 'selfless' is ultimately selfish. I ended up blaming the world for my emptiness, but it was my fault for not breaking free when I was so aware that I needed to. Who can help you, if you won't if attempt to help yourself? You don't love someone because they're a good person, they are a good person because you love them. Loving someone because they make you feel alive, real, and tangible, might be selfish, but it allows you to be honest with the reasons why you love them.

My darling Reader, I am breaking free.
I recognize happiness, beautiful selfish happiness , the only true kind.

You are a fraud.

"Birds of a feather flock together."

It's true, that the people you allow in your life are a reflection of yourself. When you befriend or tolerate someone who's behavior isn't what "you would do", it may as well be. You're telling the world that you condone said persons behavior and that it's dandy with you.

So your friend is racist. "'Oh, but, I'm not racist"....You may as well be, you're befriending someone who is. That is inadvertently accepting their behavior and adopting it, just like you adopt the friendship.

Your friend is a gossiper and has a habit of backbiting. Of course, you're way too "naive" to notice, and it's not like you're saying anything. Again, you may as well be talking as much as he/she. Do you have any balls? Do you stick up for the people she/he talks about? Is she/he honest, and say those things in front of subjected person? If the answer is "No" to those three questions, then YOU, are also a dishonest slanderer.

The reality is that most people don't have the guts to surround themselves with good people. That being because, most good people end up being dishonest due to the fact that are surrounded with dishonest people who also used to be good. Crazy huh? But very true and very pathetic. It's not rocket science people, I'm not telling anyone something they didn't already know.

I don't expect anyone to be saintly and I don't even want you to be. Still, think about whether or not you have to watch what you say in front of 'certain' people. Are these people your supposed 'friends'? If you don't have room enough in your friendship for honesty, then you never had friendship to begin with.

Which brings me to another topic, loyalty. Something most people know absolutely nothing about. The people you are loyal to are not perfect, because no one is. The people you are loyal to are not godly or necessarily talented, because those are not reasons to announce loyalty. The people one should chose to be loyal to are the people who are consistent and loyal to a certain type of lifestyle. These kinds of people are persistent in their pursuit to see positivity spring from whatever they can. The people you are loyal to, never test your loyalty, but when they do, it is with very strong feeling. Are you loyal to the right people?

I have wasted loyalty before, I will never get all that energy and dedication back. They couldn't return the gesture....in simple (and vulgar) words, "They had no balls" and definitely weren't consistent in any aspect of their lives.

I want to be a good friend of yours, Reader;
I hope in return you will be honest and loyal.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/thurayya

Noh mask.

The subject of 'insecurity' has come to my attention many times. It's one of those pesky truths about life, but most especially about adolescence. The whole world lives in a perpetual state of insecurity, and it causes unnecessary apprehension in your being.
I know, for the most part, that this blog has been anonymous...but, I want to attach myself to it. Honestly. Completely. Faithfully. Something resembling a functional relationship, that I will never actually obtain in reality.

Last night, I attempted to be honest. Not the kind of honest where you simply tell the forgiving truth, but the kind of honest where you tell the truth exactly the way it appears in your mind. The kind people, appreciative of honesty or not, never ever want to hear. Honest in the way that seems cruel. The kind of honesty your mind damns you to deal with, but not the kind it intends for you to share.
Consequently, it was not appreciated, a result I expected, a result I could understand. Still, I love the person I was honest with. Not the kind of love where you swoon, but the kind where you would take a bullet, or a knife to the heart, if that would ensure their longevity and happiness in life. I had hoped they would see me finally opening my soul, they would appreciate and admire it, they would do so in turn, and it would prove our love true ever lasting. That, expectantly, did not occur. They were angered and hurt, and I was not apologetic, simply sympathetic. I used to swoon over said person. I had been in love. I am not anymore. I know that tonight, for absolute sure, after last night.

Nevertheless, I feel that experience upset something deep within me, but also aroused a new taste of free-will. What might become of all my relationships with others if I was the most pure state of honest with them? They say that truth is priceless and divine, but to me the "truth" leaves much to be desired and I do not believe that world wants it.

See, 'truth' is like a beautiful woman, who so hideously sleeps with many men and even worse, she smiles about it and deems herself guiltless for being honest. You dislike her, and you may deny her validity, but you must admit her courage, but more importantly, her beauty...you can't hate her.

Most people are moral and just, which is why most people are not honest. The truth is offensive, immoral, inappropriate, and vulgar. Should I become a student of dishonesty, and live my life with a façade to ensure my place in society? Or should I become a slave to honesty, and live my life by the current, with no shield but also with no vice?

I think, Reader, you could see why I might be amused by the latter.

Review: Tekkonkinkreet

Tekkonkinkreet is an absolutely excellent film. There is so much to discuss regarding this movie, I barely know where to start. For those of you Anime fans (like me), you'll appreciate the detailed animation. However, even if you are not a fan of 'cartoons', upon watching this movie, you will have to admit the very crucial and incredibly profound plot exhibited so meticulously.
This is what the back of the DVD box says:

"...In Treasure Town, life can be both gentle and brutal. This is never truer for our heroes, Black and White, two street urchins who watch over the city, doing battle with an array of old-world Yakuza and alien assassins vying to rule the decaying metropolis."

The movie is an adaptation from Aniplex and Sony pictures of the popular manga written by Taiyo Matsumomo. I can not stress what a good flick this is. There is a depth to it that is too deep and too diverse for me to explain to you, it's something you must witness for yourself and will affect you as an individual. This is not a new picture, I believe it was released in 2007, but I had the pleasure of watching it for the first time about 3 months ago. It's definitely one of my absolute favorites now.

Btw: a "Yakuza" pretty much refers gangster in Japanese, but it is not a direct translatable word

Vexed

People are so terribly disappointing. I'm sure it's no one's fault, simply they are at fault for being human. Still, I find myself newly disappointed all the time. I know I am greatly liable, being as I am also condemned to constant inconsistency. Sometimes, I wish words didn't exist. I wish I didn't have to communicated with you through these absurd letters. I feel so foolish, because it is a vain attempt at a connection. My petty attempt at intercourse with you, The Reader. All I have ever wanted was intimacy with you, a stranger. I fear my words do not have conviction enough to entice such an exceptional act. Can you tell, Reader? That I can never get to the core of my conviction? That I run in a circle of futile attempts to actually express what I really mean? It's such a strain to hold back, but it's impossible to release. How, I ask you, how can I ever be a decent, let alone note-worthy writer, if I can not learn to release? Not in any sense, do I know how to release. Not when I speak, not when I touch, and certainly not when I write.

However, I hold this inter-web journal (or whatever you may call it) close to my mind.
You shall not perish, dear Reader.