Don't change.

Do I really look that naive?
Yes, I am terrified. Numerous people have come forward to tell me the possible penalties I face for feeling and acting this way, what of it? It's interesting because, these same people asked me to feel/act this way for them. Unfortunately, I do not have control over my emotions, no one really does.

Let's talk about perception. What is yours? The importance perception plays in one's life is unequivocally important to the way your life will unravel. Negativity begets negativity, positivity begets positivity, both are extreme sides of the fence and no person can be completely either or. Most would believe that negativity would be the worse side to lean towards, but I disagree. Neutrality is most definitely the most troubling. To be apathetic and indifferent regarding yourself is the most pitiful state someone could be in and the truth is that is where many of us stand. Furthermore, I feel that one's perception should accommodate itself to circumstance.
Narrow mindedness begets narrow mindedness.





"You see the night is all I have to make me fear,
and all I want is just a love to make it hurt.
'Cause all I need is something fine to make me lose.
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you."

Do you really want to live forever?

Please-Please-Please don't ruin this, mind. (Yes, I am talking to my brain.) For the incessant thinking you cause, I lose precious moments in the real world.

Luckily, lately the 'real world' has been a much brighter and happier place. Part of me feels like I'm racing the clock, and that this is not a feeling that can be obtained for long. But it doesn't matter to me, 5 minutes feeling like this instilled enough hope to last. How is it, that someone can simply appear from thin air and be exactly what you needed? Perhaps there is a merciful and loving God, or perhaps two people with the same needs are somehow magnetically attracted to one another...I'm sure there could be hundreds of spiritual or scientific explanations people might come up with, but all I know is how I feel when he touches me and I would never attempt to explain something that sacred.

At this point, it's not necessarily about him as an individual, more so it is about the things that come with him. Gifts or maybe just traits, that were bestowed upon him from some divine power, that make him unlike another experience thus far in my life. I know, Reader, you're thinking: "What the hell, this soon?". Yes. Because, like I said it's not about him per-say, it's about his being, just the simple fact that he exists. Now I know I can move forward: Progress>Regress. Understand?

There is a part of me afraid of admitting how I really feel because that's always been part of my defense system, but I am releasing my inhibitions and starting anew.
When you are completely honest with yourself, when you sincerely follow your gut, you really truly are more likely to find what you desire.

Our morning.

A day of smiling and laughter, a roller coaster, and 2 shooting stars later, I am the happiest I have been in ages. Not the kind that I have been lately, where I feel what should be felt at appropriate times. This is an effortless happiness and completely accidental. I've seemed to stumble into this wonderful world-wind of chemistry and understanding. I know the potential consequences of my actions, I know it could fall just as easily as it flew. I know someone will hurt and hate, and I know I will lose valuable people in the process, but what I've gained is so great. I never believed in 'love at first sight' and I still don't, but love at first conversation....that is very real.

I told you, Reader, that I would do what was the best for myself from now on and I think I am.
...Oh, I know I am.

1616

Trust isn't something you can negotiate. You either have it, or you never had it and once you lose it, the chances of getting it back are slim to none. I beginning to see that you never betray the trust of the people you irrevocably love. Yes, I have been a Judas of trust, just not to those who really make a difference.

I'm unforgivably human.

Unlike someone wise, I hate things. I hate emotions, my parents, carrots, ignorance, taxes and words. Most of all, I hate emotions. Not because I hate what they persuade people to do, no, I'm not that sentimental. Actually, I love watching people act on emotion like puppets on string, it's amusing. I just hate having them. They force me to write this moronic blog filled with absolutely nothing. I hate them because had I been fortunate enough to avoid them, my life would be absolute genius. Imagine, Reader, a life where you did everything because it makes sense! Brilliant.

*Laughs* Is laughing while typing insane?

I'm afraid I'm being too honest right now, someone should save me from my head. S.0.S

My mother wrote a prayer for my sisters and I to recite before bed when I was a young child, it goes like this:

"Oh Allah, I pray tonight and ask of you to bring us light. To send the angels to see us through, and help us be good girls for you. Our life is yours, so help us be, your servants for eternity. Amen."

I'm not religious anymore, but reciting this in my head when I feel like it might explode calms me. It's eerie actually, and brings chills down my spine....Feels like home.


Oh Reader, what's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

I loathe Shakespeare.

Xtinguish.

Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Obviously Mr. Tennyson has never loved. For him to think that the aftermath of love is worth the actual experience, means he must of been a masochist and personally, I would never take advice from someone of that nature.

Good God, what is my problem? How is it, that when I get exactly what I want, I can't handle it? Maybe I'm a masochist....Maybe, I think that good things just aren't meant to happen to me. You know, I think I'm not mature or strong enough to handle the present. I'm so frightened by living, by feeling and by becoming attached to any moment or any emotion. So, I avoid the present by constantly living in the past or waiting for the future.

A good friend (in fact a best friend), told me that the 'future' was the loneliest of all time. The 'past' has had it's time and remains always and forever concrete in it's occurrence, and the 'present' embraces you while you thrive in it....but the future is like a faint thought that you can't quite put into words, like a ghost the future is transparent and impossible to understand.

Reader, is it wrong that I miss the past so much that it hurts? I feel like my heart is on fire. The worst part is that I know I'm making the right decision. I know that I won't go back, because I know I shouldn't. Still, I never thought it would come to this. Past all the tears and screaming, I thought the outcome would be........I thought wrong. When I think about the factors as to why I feel this way, I am completely revolted with myself.

This is the last time I will write about this.
From now on Reader, we are moving on. Officially.

Yeild.

I'm an extremist.
As far as I'm concerned, it's all or nothing. I get everything you have to give or I have nothing to do with it. Gray area's are for things that don't matter...So, why do I feel like that's where I am?
It's easy to see how bitter I am, it's dangerously obvious. I have no qualm with that condemnation and I accept it for what it is. Actually, I think bitterness suits me, serves me as an old friend that's not really friendly.

'Longing' is a fleeting feeling and I'm not sure if it's as tangible as it seems, but I do know that it wakes me from sleep like a person without a face. Should I be horrified? Or justified, in the sense that I know it's only now real because I document it's existence? Do you understand, Reader? Is it only a problem because I recognize my concern for it? Perhaps, it's not even as strong a feeling as I make it seem. Perhaps I feel I should feel strongly, but I simply feel reminiscent.

I appreciate the truth, not matter how many thorns it brings.

Fly.

For so long, I've felt like my life was void of so many things. I felt like so much was missing and I had to search the world for it. I always thought I was racing the clock of life, for my life. How mistaken I was.

I'm beginning to see that what you feel is what your life becomes. I have all the beautiful things life has to offer inside of me, and I've had it all along. I allowed the wrong people into my life. They suppressed the urge to fly inside of me, and I let them take away my real happiness and instead place their false happiness in it's place. But I didn't need any one's happiness, because the real kind lives strong inside of me.

What I needed was to rid myself of the leeches in my life, who were sucking out my ability to think straight. Leeches are selfish, and I thought I was being selfless by allowing myself to be the host. I was ignorant. The truth is that being 'selfless' is ultimately selfish. I ended up blaming the world for my emptiness, but it was my fault for not breaking free when I was so aware that I needed to. Who can help you, if you won't if attempt to help yourself? You don't love someone because they're a good person, they are a good person because you love them. Loving someone because they make you feel alive, real, and tangible, might be selfish, but it allows you to be honest with the reasons why you love them.

My darling Reader, I am breaking free.
I recognize happiness, beautiful selfish happiness , the only true kind.