Your love is king.

Its interesting feeling to feel guilty about your feelings. You know? When the emotions you have are not the ones meant for the given circumstances or situation, but that's what makes raw emotion so invigorating. I know what people expect of me, but I wouldn't be myself if I didn't go left field...not out of spite of course, just shear indecisiveness. Good thing I have a sense of humor, otherwise I would have already lost it. If you know me well enough to spend actual time with me, you'll know that I have a horrible habit of spacing out. I can't control it and as hard as I try to hide it, its a very obvious occurrence. Forgive me in advance.

Untitled

Full to the tip, I am walking the thin line between sanity and the abyss. All of the thoughts fill my head, congesting my chest, suffocating my heart. Relative, are the words tumbling from my lips. What makes us young will be our pain when we're old. I find a clover, with no leaves, with no roots, underneath my pillow. Can we symbolize ourselves? I want to sink into you. Deeply. Completely. Until I no longer have eyes, until I no longer hear sound, until I decompose. When I find hell, I'll know that paradise exists. But this isn't hell. No. This is that place in the grocery store that no one really goes to. Where it's dusty and lonely, because the merchandise perched on the shelves is unfavorable and almost useless. Maybe I'll find you here, but I would more likely find you in the frozen food section. Steady is the ground underneath my feet. Heavy is the sky above me. I forgot why I came here.

I am weary of the world.

There are few things in your life worth remembering, that may not mean you won't remember the meaningless moments. Even the moments that seem to hold emotional value mean nothing. Nothing at all. One truth, one comment, one moment later, can shatter it all.
One might feel philosophically gifted and graced with peace of mind, but in actuality humans are lagging most in basic logic. You don't believe me? Look around you. Half of the issues in the world would fade had we been blessed with common sense during 'evolution'. You think not?

Tell a drug addict to stop doing drugs, he goes on to tell you that an addiction is a mental condition and he can't just stop. However, why the hell did he start in the first place? We've all seen the "Live Above the Influence" commercials. You might think that it's a lot more complicated than that, you may be sympathetic towards the addict for whatever reason. Nevertheless, let me remind you of the age old' mind over matter deal, it was a choice to become an addict and simple common sense could have altered it all.
Life is a general choice, every single breath, a choice, every morning you wake, a choice.
I wonder if I make people think, or if I just sound ridiculous reiterating what one may already be aware of....who cares, eh? This is my addiction, my philosophical therapy.

Leaving it alone, for good.

With everything that life is, the one thing it is not and has never claimed to be is fair...maybe that's for the best.

Indentity crisis.

With an Arab father and a black&white mother, you'd think I would know exactly who to identify with, right? Can you feel my sarcasm? I thought so.
Frankly, I don't want to identify with any of that, so from now on I'm just a gypsy...because I am thoroughly confused.

Meet me on calvary.

It's interesting to find oneself stuck on a journey that seems obsolete and ill fated. When you sincerely believe nothing will work out and it's all completely downhill from here...please, don't misunderstand me, I am not whining nor am I naive enough to think that my negativity is truth. It's not. Still, words, as small and meaningless as they can be, are also so powerful and dangerous.

I have found myself at a place, vacant and penetrating, that has brought to me this rushing feeling. A surge of....dejection? I mean, the words are above me and I can't reach them, but I'm sure it's familiar to many people. I talk a lot about progression, about change, and if there is one thing I do not want to be (again) is a hypocrite. I will rise above myself, above others expectations, above so-called "fate". My life, your life, is your own and nothing, not even unexplainable fear, can take that away from you.

Okay, I'm done with my lecture...go in peace.

Young Folks

What is it, that when you're young you have an insatiable desire for acceptance? I can't sit here and tell you I'm above it, because that would be a demon lie, but at least I recognize it...as if that means anything. Maybe it's not just young people, maybe it's society in general, either way it's stressful. I've found myself in a new light, a new world, much different and much faster then my previous planet.

When you're young, you're concerns lye in what your peers think of you, what you wear, who you talk to, what you do, where you go, how you talk..........this could take all day. Basically, you may be an individual and all that jazz, but you're under constant scrutiny and comparison. It's absolutely vicious and corrupt. I know your mentors will tell you to accept yourself, for who and what you are, but it's so hard to do when you don't know what that is. In this world of constant judgment and ignorance, that are often mixed together, you get lost and become a battered soul. Insecure is an understatement. We become frail and pliable, and gradually develop into broken and bitter. It's a heinous crime that we unknowingly afflict on each other, and it' will continue.

I would like to believe maturity and wisdom will sweep these absurd complications away, but somehow that seems unlikely.

The smell of memories.

I love the way autumn air smells, it's so clear and half-alive, reminds me of something....

Finally @ the wheel

*@(#*!&^#(*!&%$

First off, I would like to thank Vod @ Dat Blog for the suggestions of where to steer my blog :)
I'll start being more active, hopefully, and take note of the music I listen to ( which is usually the same thing over n' over).

I've learned to let go! Or at least partially. Making the past your past is harder to do then I expected, and it's bitterly painful. It seems like emotions emerge from the depths of you at the most unexpected and unwanted times. Now that I've really let go, or so I hope, I can see things for MYSELF. It's should be a beautiful future ahead of me, as long as I remember to do what's right for me above all else. I wanna breathe, I wanna make memories, I wanna be young, I wanna have fun. For once.

Let's see if I can start.

Fool's Gold

I'm releasing the all of my sour inhibitions, and shall emerge refreshed.

Focus.Focus.Focus.

5 Senses

Some things just never change, but somehow they feel so different.

Caution

It's like that saying, "to pour salt in my wounds". It applies to so much of life, but very especially to the two sides of the coin. Putting salt, although painful at first, aids in healing them faster...so does that apply to hearing or facing things in life that you would much rather avoid? Does everything really happen for a reason, or are we all falling recklessly to our impending doom? Am I being cynical or realistic?

We live in a seemingly apathetic world, but the truth is that everyone is so consumed with their own agenda that everything else seems inconsequential and futile. I myself am no exception, and when I think about it it only makes me even more disappointed. Falling in love, being beautiful, rich, fabulous, all those thing are fleeting and unsubstantial...yes, even falling in love. The most real immortality lay solely in your conscious, even if you can't hear it. Focus. Listen. The truth is a part of us all, just hidden. Now more then ever, we must all find our inner nirvana.

Indecisive.

I want suggestions on where I should steer this blog. Any suggestions as to topics, or theme would be greatly appreciated.


Thank you ;)

“They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.”

(title is a quote by Oscar Wilde)
I have never been LESS excited about waking up every morning in my life.

Today, class, we're going to talk about the birds and the bees....

Boys, boys, boys. Every teenage girl (and grown woman) has a love/hate relationship with this topic. I for one, don't have much to say about it...except I have everything to say about it. Generally, girls obsess over the opposite sex with high hopes and expectations, but I'm beginning to see the disastrous trend. We want (...I want...), the fairytale prince charming. "He" isn't the same for everyone, and comes in different shapes, sizes and flavors. But he represents the same thing for every girl, 'boundless happiness'. We believe, and I'm speaking generally, that if we find the perfect guy then everything will fall in place. I won't say whether this is true or false, instead I will simply elaborate.

Men, Guys, Boys. They all say one thing. Male.
For some girls, the type of love they crave for is simple and easy. They want to love and to be loved, with nothing more then the presence of their partner as the vow of devotion. These girls are sincere (rare too), and are either comfortable within themselves or don't think much of themselves.

For other girls, they want the simple love, but with a little extra...to say the least. We do not ALL feel the same way, so don't quote me or come whining about this generalization.
So, how to get a girl....

1. Girl's love what they think they can't have/ think they will have a hard time finding. Although many believe the "love of the chase" is reserved for men, that is utterly false. In life, people are not usually satisfied with what they have. That's a common occurrence seen everyday, but it is especially true when it comes to romance. Basically, nice guys usually do finish last; it's that diamond in the rough factor, the certain je ne sais qoui if you will.
2. "Girls want a guy with a 'phat' ride, nice clothes, and extra cash". False. While having those things won't hurt you, it also does not buy the barbie. Women can be very quixotic creatures. We don't judge you so much the way you look, rather then the way you act. From your crooked smile that we find endearing, to your boastful laugh that we find heart-warming. Suavity is an essential key in Casanova, because with it, you don't need the props (hot car, clothes, cash), and without it shes bound to get bored (or your bound to run out of cash). So charm her pants off. Maybe literally?
3. Be strategic. Maybe later on when the two of you are living 'happily ever after' she'll realize that she was set up, but she'll think it's "fate" at first. Corny I know, but very true, I myself have fallen victim. Realize that you CANNOT approach every girl the same! Please! It's very important to try and read the vibe she's putting off, because believe me, they are all-telling. With some girls, calling her/texting her the same night you get her number is a good thing, but other girls need a little bit more of a climax build up. Keep her hanging, she might find it mysterious and bad-ass-ish. However, beware, some girl's will automatically write you off as a player; your best bet is to just text for the first few nights.
4. If a girl is responding to your text's immensely late or not returning your calls, chances are she's either involved or just not interested. A lot of guys think that being rude is just something girls do, definitely not. If she's interested, she WILL make time for responding to you (I used to sit in my arctic cold basement to talk to the guy I liked for hours). Don't stress yourself out dude, if she's not doing her part then leave her alone, she'll come around if she wants you.
5. Be yourself. It's cheesy and everything, but it's really the only thing you can do. Although I said "suavity" was key, there is all different types of it. You can't change yourself ultimately, and it's pretty obvious when you try.

Pavorotti and Bugatti.

I've gotten an influx of magazines, due the random subscription available via the Internet. Noted is Harper's Bazaar, Marie Claire, Teen Vogue, Seventeen, and the infamous National Geographic. Now, in retrospect, I realize all those fashion magazines weren't necessary. In reality, they all say the same thing, except in Seventeen I may actually be able to afford the suggested style.

I have always been a faithful fan of NG, with its glossy pictures and riveting articles, but I'm beginning to resent it. The past few magazines I've received have been repetitive, constantly revisiting the same topic...Islam. Now, I'm not naive and I realize it's become a globally scrutinized and micro scoped subject, but really? This is a vast world we live in, with beautiful and exciting sounds, sights, and scenery. When I read magazine with the potential such as NG, I'm expecting to be taken to a another world! If I was so interested in hearing about the "extremist Islamic" propaganda, I would just turn on the nearest television. In one particular letter a man criticized an article that was written in June 2009, regarding the Christian Arabs living in the ever frantic Holy Land. He felt that the author did not focus enough on the pressure the Arab Christians receive from their neighboring Muslim counterparts. However, isn't that the same issue that practicing Muslims have worldwide? Pressures from the majority on a minority have nothing to do with religion, more so it's a product of society in general.


On a lighter note, the fashion magazines (Harper's Bazaar, Marie Clair, W, etc.) are magnificent! How I enjoy looking a beautiful people wearing equally beautiful clothing. The only dilemma I have are the low number of ethnic woman shown in these magazines. Regardless, beauty is beauty. Bazaar conducted an interview with Janet Jackson, sister of the late mega-star Micheal Jackson. Personally, I never found she had much class and I think she and Micheal look like they went and got the same plastic surgery from the same plastic surgeon. Not a good look Janet. The growing number of plastic surgery being the 'norm' is alarming, where did the appreciation for natural beauty go? It's not like you can't usually tell who's gotten work done and who hasn't, how is that appealing? It's like knowing that someone is rocking a fake Louis Vuitton or Prada, highly unattractive. Just be true to yourself! If you can't afford designer, then please stick to Macy's. And if you were born with a big nose or thin lips, then just be thankful you were born with a right mind or functioning limbs! Christ!


So the world's suppose to end in 2012? I can definitely see that.

It's the depth of life...

How exhausting! Life is so incredibly tedious, I can barely stand it. I'm sure I'm a bit of a special case, I seem to get frustrated and bored easily (as if that classifies someone as 'special'). I wonder if that's immature or simply my nature? We'll go with nature. I've said before that patience was a very fortunate virtue to have, but it doesn't look like I've obtained it.

Have you ever seen summer rain? When the sky is clear, usually in the evening, with brilliant colors of purple, magenta, and blue with white clouds, all the while the rain falls gently from it. That is probably one of the most beautiful sights in life. I feel like it describes me; the sky is clear and color full but yet the rain still comes. Although, I love rain, still it can come as both a positive of negative symbol.
We need rain to water our crops, to bring life to the earth that gives us life, but too much rain will drown you and your precious earth. To me, if there is a God that is the surest form of symbolism and philosophy you can be shown.


Lately, I'm starting to see the people I love most for what they are. I suppose there comes a time, for every mother, father, mentor, and in my case, elder sister, where you realize and learn to accept certain things about the people dearest to you. It's coming to my attention that everything I value and deem worthy in life isn't the same as my baby sisters. Now, I'm sure this epiphany is similar to the one my elder sister had in regards to me, and I now appreciate her more than ever. It's a difficult thing, to allow the beautiful roses; you tended to and sheltered so dearly, to change colors. You may have intended for them to be red, a classic and timeless color, but instead they grew pink. In time you may learn the grace and beauty that pink entitles, but it is an abrupt shock that is unwelcome initially. Isn't all change? These shifts in the tide among my siblings, due to puberty and maturity, are at times hard to swallow. I find myself lashing out; when I know I was at once in their same shoes (who know if I'm not still wearing a pair!). Now, it's important to focus on the core of the relationship. Heaven knows I love my sisters more than I could ever describe, but now it's time to show them. You can't say you love someone, until you love them when it's difficult to.

"I hear and I forget; I see and I remember; I do and I understand"

(My title is a Chinese proverb that basically means you can't understand until you try something yourself.)

^ The 3 books pictured are 'Chinese Cinderella' and 'Falling Leaves' both by Adeline Yen Mah; Also, 'Wild Swans' by Jung Chang.

I chose these three books to share because I noticed the trend in my book collection. I seem to find myself drawn to these authors, who write about the trials and tribulations of being a women in Chinese culture. Something about the way these women reach out to you through the book is tantalizing and addictive. Chinese Cinderella, more then any other book, gripped me. For some, the story may seem too unfortunate and simply feeble. However, when I read the book, I felt her words under my skin. What makes these women different, is the sense of self control and pride they have. What makes it worse, is that all three are based on 100% true stories. It seems that no matter what, they never lash out of the tyrant and seem to have complete composure. After my exploration of Chinese culture through these books, I have great respect for the women of China.

Don't take my word for it, read it for yourself, these books are hauntingly unforgettable.

Lotus flower.

Mysterious

'When you believe that romance is when you’re stroked my moonlight, when stars spell out your name and earth beneath your feet are clouds like cushions from the heavens, you are mistaken for a caricature.

To hold you is to burn my flesh while I am sedated and hypnotized by your false security. Romance is not the sweet words you sell to me, which are too costly. It is not the ripe heat in your kiss, which only leaves me without breath. Nor is it the way your glowing eyes pierce into my soul, the way light transfixes darkness.

No, romance is the sinking city of Venice. It is beautiful, timeless, and unforgettable. It shall whisper sweetly to you as it is swallowed by the ghostly sea. You will reach out your hand for it, while fog surrounds you, and you lose your step. You will call for it desperately as you are debilitated into depths, to no avail. It is the echo of footsteps on a weary staircase, but with no mortal. The way you love the sun and its warmth, but your eyes are seared when you approach it. Thus is romance. Romance should not be loved.

Romance is not love. '

That is one of my latest pieces, not my best, but I think it gets the point across. I'm beginning to seem more like a politician and less like a poet....yikes.

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

HM, finally writing in my blog brings back bittersweet feelings of nostalgia.
I remember when I initially created it, with great expectations and a vow of loyalty, but summer quickly had me desert.
Oh, California. Where do I start? That was the worst and best year of my life, I learned so much, but fought so hard.

Anyways, it's two years later and I'm the sweet age of 18 that's not so sweet. It's probably one of the most difficult point's in a persons life; your young but naive, and you have so much you want, with little to start off on. I know that I'm not the only person going through these tribulations, but it's such a lonely process and I've yet to wrap my head around the fact that I'm technically an adult....Whatever that means. I mean, I've always felt like I had lived before, which made life feel a bit repetitive, but now I realize how scary the big bad world actually is.

Well, I've been writing again. It's not the same as the stuff I used to write, no, it's much more informative and less vague. I realize that maturity means that you need to a bit more straightforward with what you're trying to say, needless to say, I've become much more blunt. I'm sure old friends would say I've always been blunt, or bitchy (excuse my french), now I'm just more selective. I know that people don't really care about your feelings, I've learned that the hard way, and you really have to look after yourself before anything else.