Alien.

Sometimes I feel like even the closet people to me are strangers.
I will not compromise myself, do not even waste my time asking me to. And yes, this is about me. It's always been about me and always will be, because that's the only person truly indispensable to me. Is that narcissistic? Yes.

Me and me. I and I.
Do not test me, I do not falter...as far as I'm concerned at least.

Thorns made of cloud.

Treat me gently, like I'm made of glass. 

Dearest Reader, what is your greatest desire? Is it wealth? Beauty? Fame? Respect? Love?
Or are you a insightful reader? Do you wish for tangibility? Weakness? Pain? Lust? Destruction? I would hope you are insightful, I would hope you are able to read 'between the lines'.

I will not wish you happiness, because that will not make you happy. What you need is honesty and honestly, pain and longing is where happiness comes into play. Are you unhappy, Reader? For if you are, you are the fortunate fool. I do not care for "motto's" or cliches, however one stands true;
Patience is a virtue.

Dysfunctional.

As silly as it sounds, all I want is the answers to all these questions in my head. I feel so far away from who I thought I would be this time around last year and although I know that may seem irrelevant, it's putting a spin on me. When do we learn to move on and let go? There are some places and some words in my life I feel belong to certain people. To me, they're sacred and I thought I could never bring myself to share them with anyone other than the original person. I ask again, when do you learn to let go?
Perhaps that is where my issue lye. The fact is that I never learned to let go, I kitchen sink everything. So I'm coming back to that dark place, I'm regressing. It's no ones fault, there is no rhyme or reason, but I wish I would have taught myself to swim instead of relying on a lifeboat.

How many times can someone drown before they figure it out? I'm so stuck.

Heal.

Imagine if everyone was healed. The world might be a much brighter place. Even those of us that believe we aren't infected, are. By toxins in the air, by cold stares and empty words, by loveless lives filled with indifference.

The other day a friend showed his great concern for the state that the world was in. He found his mind being raped by the anxiety and hopeless concern that the few, true hero-hearted people, seem to be plagued by. He explained to me that his greatest worry lye in the possibility that our greed today, might cost our children their home, mother earth, tomorrow. However, he wasn't sure how to go about changing the course that mankind seemed to be taking. He claimed he would resort to force, an honorable option.

Still, what honor or positivity would come out of changing human nature? We humans, are destructive by human law. It is our duty and our right. It is our core, our strength and our vice. You, Reader, might believe that we are loving beings. That we all have inherited a "green thumb" so to speak, and we would actually rather see things grow and prosper. If you truly believe that, you must be so blindly naive. History stands against you, and history is the only reality there is. The truth is something that I have said before, you can't have one without the other. We are multi-faceted creatures, capable of acts that not even we can comprehend. We need destruction in order to appreciate progress and growth, but we thrive in both. He was true to his humanity when he thought of resorting to force, there is more honor in a warrior then in a lover.

There's a saying, it goes: Anger is like burning down a house to rid it of a rat.
I say, let it burn.

Unlace me.

I am a invigorated soul.
It's so interesting how life unfolds before us, with no questions, no reservation, and no motive. It is as if some force simply said "Be." and suddenly everything before is irrelevant and everything coming towards you becomes so relevant that you're brought to your knees. Now, I'm not religious, but I am beginning to understand that I have always been spiritual.

Perhaps, you must be broken to fully absorb the sun. As if, you must be porous to soak up the lessons presented to you. You can't have happiness without sadness, but you most definitely could never understand sadness without having some understanding that happiness exist.
We are all weak but we couldn't be weak unless we knew strength...and we know it well.

Don't change.

Do I really look that naive?
Yes, I am terrified. Numerous people have come forward to tell me the possible penalties I face for feeling and acting this way, what of it? It's interesting because, these same people asked me to feel/act this way for them. Unfortunately, I do not have control over my emotions, no one really does.

Let's talk about perception. What is yours? The importance perception plays in one's life is unequivocally important to the way your life will unravel. Negativity begets negativity, positivity begets positivity, both are extreme sides of the fence and no person can be completely either or. Most would believe that negativity would be the worse side to lean towards, but I disagree. Neutrality is most definitely the most troubling. To be apathetic and indifferent regarding yourself is the most pitiful state someone could be in and the truth is that is where many of us stand. Furthermore, I feel that one's perception should accommodate itself to circumstance.
Narrow mindedness begets narrow mindedness.





"You see the night is all I have to make me fear,
and all I want is just a love to make it hurt.
'Cause all I need is something fine to make me lose.
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you."

Do you really want to live forever?

Please-Please-Please don't ruin this, mind. (Yes, I am talking to my brain.) For the incessant thinking you cause, I lose precious moments in the real world.

Luckily, lately the 'real world' has been a much brighter and happier place. Part of me feels like I'm racing the clock, and that this is not a feeling that can be obtained for long. But it doesn't matter to me, 5 minutes feeling like this instilled enough hope to last. How is it, that someone can simply appear from thin air and be exactly what you needed? Perhaps there is a merciful and loving God, or perhaps two people with the same needs are somehow magnetically attracted to one another...I'm sure there could be hundreds of spiritual or scientific explanations people might come up with, but all I know is how I feel when he touches me and I would never attempt to explain something that sacred.

At this point, it's not necessarily about him as an individual, more so it is about the things that come with him. Gifts or maybe just traits, that were bestowed upon him from some divine power, that make him unlike another experience thus far in my life. I know, Reader, you're thinking: "What the hell, this soon?". Yes. Because, like I said it's not about him per-say, it's about his being, just the simple fact that he exists. Now I know I can move forward: Progress>Regress. Understand?

There is a part of me afraid of admitting how I really feel because that's always been part of my defense system, but I am releasing my inhibitions and starting anew.
When you are completely honest with yourself, when you sincerely follow your gut, you really truly are more likely to find what you desire.

Our morning.

A day of smiling and laughter, a roller coaster, and 2 shooting stars later, I am the happiest I have been in ages. Not the kind that I have been lately, where I feel what should be felt at appropriate times. This is an effortless happiness and completely accidental. I've seemed to stumble into this wonderful world-wind of chemistry and understanding. I know the potential consequences of my actions, I know it could fall just as easily as it flew. I know someone will hurt and hate, and I know I will lose valuable people in the process, but what I've gained is so great. I never believed in 'love at first sight' and I still don't, but love at first conversation....that is very real.

I told you, Reader, that I would do what was the best for myself from now on and I think I am.
...Oh, I know I am.