maison de poupée.

When I was a little girl, I was convinced that the world was easily accessible. I thought that if you groomed yourself to be cultured and graceful, that all the princes of the world would bare themselves on one knee at your doorstep. When I was 6, I believed that by 16 I would be an 8th wonder of the world and the entire world would recognize my 'divineness'. Everything seemed to have purpose, so that when I would later sit and acquire all the meaning of life for my auto-biography, every philosophy would be my prophecy. The cruelty of humanity would elude me, and admiration surround me; However, I would be as innocent and naïve as a flower. Upon pollination, I would willingly, yet modestly, give away my soul eternally and entirely to my one true love. Beauty would be my mind, body, and spirit.
Now, being older and keen of the world, I realize that the world is divided by borders and restrictions. That grace and culture are not as prized, nor cared for, as they once were. And no princes care for the hassle of searching for a belle, as the one in fairy tales do. By 16, no one had realized my divine nature, and most things did not carry worthy purpose. Cruelty does not elude anyone and admiration is fickle and short-lived. Unfortunately, pollination may not always be with your “one true love” and nothing was modest about it. Beauty was when you were fortunate enough to a good hair day, and sometimes both mind and spirit did not connect. The accumulation of all the truthful knowledge of life, was tragic and unwelcome, however very necessary. In order for me to go on with life, without a presumed suicide, I had to come to grips with all of it. I had to understand it. I had to accept it. As difficult and painful as it was, and after countless arguments and tears, I was finally convinced…or was I?
Although I had not been recognized as the “8th wonder of the world”, and no prince charming had yet purposed, I found new aspirations for myself. Once I had believed all the world a fairytale and the chips would “fall as they may”. I now realized that is false and reckless. One must write, cast, and direct their own fairytale. And life could be like building a beautiful doll house, you must give it time, careful measurement, and effort; Soon enough the doll house will be the mirrored image of perfection from your mind, with minor differences that only make it more beautiful and unique. Patience truly is a virtue of great value, and deserves immense recognition. Yes, so they say live every day as if it is your last, but do not live in a constant state or urgency. Stop and smell the roses’, vie est belle, carpe diem! Wisdom comes to those who know wisdom, and nothing is wiser than acceptance and tolerance.
So, I had a new plan. A revised map. A better outlook.
It was no less magical, or enchanting, it was just…different. I had become more open minded, yet I still dubbed myself unparalleled to all others (as all girls should). What of it? I may not have been seen as “a divine light”, but to those who were fortunate enough to know me well, I was ‘one of a kind’ to say the least. Modesty is sweet, confidence is priceless, and vanity is alluring. I do believe every girl is entitled to all of that and more, since all are tools. Modesty is prized, respected, and endearing. Confidence is attractive, mesmerizing, and auspicious. Vanity is fascinating, memorable, and mysterious. The key was balance. A girl, should be entirely confident, but very exceptionally modest, however a touch vain. For you are unlike any other and no one shall ever be as well you as you are. Is that not ‘cause for daily celebration? In the world we live in today, I don’t believe women are encouraged to appreciate themselves enough. If one appreciates and loves themselves, they are more likely to have the confidence to appreciate and love another. I am not promoting complete vanity, please do not misunderstand me. Vanity alone is both repelling and unsubstantial in a female; ultimately, nothing positive can come from it. However, when fused with confidence and modesty, vanity can act as a safe haven. Some may believe that confidence alone can do your ego well, but we all know, (from our bad hair days to the “I feel fat” days) confidence constantly fluctuates. A sprinkle of vanity, acts like a shield against, what I like to call, “self-hate crimes”. It stops you from bashing yourself, and allows you to love you at your worst. While I’m not telling you to act like Snow White’s evil step mother, you should still compliment that beautiful person you see in the mirror every day. Tell her how goddess like she really is, because who knows better than you?


XXX

Safe.

I am so disappointed in myself. Somehow, I've become a complacent soul. At some point or another, I have decided to accept the way things are. I find myself allowing my mind to put up a white flag, when before I would fight even the smallest of discretion. Even though, I learned to control my immature rebellions, I feel I may have along the line extinguished the fire within. I'm a dreamer, a restless dreamer, no doubt. However, what is a dreamer with no fiery, passionate ambition? What is a dream without the force of insistence behind it? Honestly, I don't even remember what half of my so-called dreams where! It's absolutely terrifying, when you cannot even identify your own talents. I fear I may have lost my sense of self...I don't know when, how, or where. Once upon a time, I was a girl with endless possibilities and potential. I had the world at my fingertips, and imagination on my back like wings. I believed whatever I felt should be, whether it was logical or feasible did not elude me one bit. Poetry was my vocabulary, and sincerity my honor. I wonder if I am still that girl. I wonder if I still have her within me. For now, it seems so much work to be like her, when before it was a natural burdened gift. As the days pass, and reality of a future filled with petty adulthood responsibilities creep closer, I fear losing myself to myself. I want to get away, allow myself to show all my colors! See the beauty of this world and appreciate every breath once more! To escape the complacency of my surroundings, to escape constant reminders or maturity.

xxx