Sergio Leone Suite

I remember when I first related the world to poetry. I was 8 and had been playing in the woods by my grandmothers house. At some point, I came to a fork in the trail and I thought of Robert Frost's A Road Not Taken:

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth"

Perhaps at the time, I didn't understand the significance of having remembered a part of a poem and relating it to my reality, but I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth and say that I did in fact understand. To be honest, I understood more then, then I do now. At that age, I believed everything held some philosophical importance. I completely agreed with Shakespeare when he related the world to a stage. I believed myself to be a wonderful actress, and that my life, my world, would only be as good as I acted and partially tricked myself into believing it was. I know, you're thinking that at eight years old I couldn't possibly have put that much thought into my behavior. On the contrary, my friend. I have always put great thought into my actions and more importantly, my reactions.

My mother was a story teller, so that may have had something to do with my mentality. Most little girls want to live in fairy tales, and they dream of one day awaking in a castle to find themselves fancied as a princess. In some senses, I was the same as every little girl. I, too, wanted to live an ideal life, to marry an ideal man, and to grow into an ideal woman. The difference was that, I believed I was in a fairytale already. I sincerely believed (or believe) that all of the heartache I would endure, was only to make my ultimate fairytale story more interesting, because alas, in the end all my dreams would surely come true. My dreams weren't what every girl wanted, no, they where much more surreal. I wanted to live in an entire different reality. I wanted not to be rescued in this world, but rescued from it. To another dimension, universe, another reality.

My birthday was not too long ago, I am now nineteen years old. Maybe that's not old, but it's one year shy of catapulting me into another stage in life. This is officially my last year to bask in adolescence. Perhaps I should be excited to grow, to evolve, but I'm not. I'm worried, Reader. What kind of woman will I be? I know that is the same thought for many people, so I should refrain from feeling alone...but it's such a lonely feeling. I'm beginning to wonder if I chose to be different or if it chose me. Is there a way to tell the difference? I doubt it.

I don't know if anyone reads my blog, and if they do, I don't know if they benefit from doing so. Either way, I've decided to take a break from it. Maybe forever, maybe not. But it's because I don't feel good enough for you anymore, Reader. I think you are worth so much, and I have nothing to offer you. I need to change, I need to grow, but it's such a frightening thing to do. I intend to work on myself, to tend to the frayed pieces of my personality. To improve myself, body, mind and soul. When I return, I'll have made myself into the person I keep talking about becoming. You'll fall in love with me, Reader. You'll believe in me more than ever, I promise. When I'm through, you will never doubt me again. As of now, I'm simply doing what I always do, which is type meaningless words. Soon I will make it all actions.

Until then, I shall say farewell and ask that you don't forget me.


With love, always,
Thurayya

You know how easy it is to break me.

Inside of this dark, blistering, soul is something not even I can describe. I suppose it may be the same for most people, in the sense that everyone feels that a part of them is indescribable. It's true, I believe, that we are all in a sense "complex". But what is complexity other than a tangled mess of misunderstood emotion? If it is in fact that simple, then in can in fact be untangled, correct? Especially considering how fickle and petty emotions are.

Anyways, back to earth.
My life is back to the way it was before I had a spell of naivete (as in, before Aaron), but it's not all bad. I mean, what is "bad" anyways? It's not negative or positive, I'm just in a sort of limbo...which I'm starting to realize I never left. I am so frustrated for so many reasons, but no good ones. I mean, I was happy for 5 minutes, until I realized that blind happiness does not erase the deep rooted issues that I keep trying to avoid dealing with. I will never be able to appreciate anyone or anything until I honestly explore myself. Thankfully, I am worshipful of truth, so I have faith it will prevail.

I want to believe I'm good enough for myself, so I can believe I am more than good enough for everyone else.

Blame.

I will marry the man who recognizes that I am dancing with the devil, and asks "May I cut in?"
I'm not sure if you realize how selfish I am Reader. I have a very thin regard for others feelings. Emotions are petty and inconsequential things. They are another nuisance of humanity, like giving birth and dying. I suppose it wouldn't matter anyway, how selfish I am I mean. In the end, we all admit to our finality and drop to our knees to beg for redemption for ourselves; not one another. If their is a God, to him, we are maggots. Both literally and figuratively. We are maggots that live, breathe, breed and die in our own feces, all the while whining and squirming as if there might be a possible escape. There never was. I will not say that death is a escape, because death is neither positive nor negative. Death begets only itself and it gives no explanation and it receives none. Possibly, it is the only self respecting act we do....but I won't dig in too deep, because like I said, death speaks for silence.

I want a personal glory, the gloating kind.

Alien.

Sometimes I feel like even the closet people to me are strangers.
I will not compromise myself, do not even waste my time asking me to. And yes, this is about me. It's always been about me and always will be, because that's the only person truly indispensable to me. Is that narcissistic? Yes.

Me and me. I and I.
Do not test me, I do not falter...as far as I'm concerned at least.

Thorns made of cloud.

Treat me gently, like I'm made of glass. 

Dearest Reader, what is your greatest desire? Is it wealth? Beauty? Fame? Respect? Love?
Or are you a insightful reader? Do you wish for tangibility? Weakness? Pain? Lust? Destruction? I would hope you are insightful, I would hope you are able to read 'between the lines'.

I will not wish you happiness, because that will not make you happy. What you need is honesty and honestly, pain and longing is where happiness comes into play. Are you unhappy, Reader? For if you are, you are the fortunate fool. I do not care for "motto's" or cliches, however one stands true;
Patience is a virtue.

Dysfunctional.

As silly as it sounds, all I want is the answers to all these questions in my head. I feel so far away from who I thought I would be this time around last year and although I know that may seem irrelevant, it's putting a spin on me. When do we learn to move on and let go? There are some places and some words in my life I feel belong to certain people. To me, they're sacred and I thought I could never bring myself to share them with anyone other than the original person. I ask again, when do you learn to let go?
Perhaps that is where my issue lye. The fact is that I never learned to let go, I kitchen sink everything. So I'm coming back to that dark place, I'm regressing. It's no ones fault, there is no rhyme or reason, but I wish I would have taught myself to swim instead of relying on a lifeboat.

How many times can someone drown before they figure it out? I'm so stuck.

Heal.

Imagine if everyone was healed. The world might be a much brighter place. Even those of us that believe we aren't infected, are. By toxins in the air, by cold stares and empty words, by loveless lives filled with indifference.

The other day a friend showed his great concern for the state that the world was in. He found his mind being raped by the anxiety and hopeless concern that the few, true hero-hearted people, seem to be plagued by. He explained to me that his greatest worry lye in the possibility that our greed today, might cost our children their home, mother earth, tomorrow. However, he wasn't sure how to go about changing the course that mankind seemed to be taking. He claimed he would resort to force, an honorable option.

Still, what honor or positivity would come out of changing human nature? We humans, are destructive by human law. It is our duty and our right. It is our core, our strength and our vice. You, Reader, might believe that we are loving beings. That we all have inherited a "green thumb" so to speak, and we would actually rather see things grow and prosper. If you truly believe that, you must be so blindly naive. History stands against you, and history is the only reality there is. The truth is something that I have said before, you can't have one without the other. We are multi-faceted creatures, capable of acts that not even we can comprehend. We need destruction in order to appreciate progress and growth, but we thrive in both. He was true to his humanity when he thought of resorting to force, there is more honor in a warrior then in a lover.

There's a saying, it goes: Anger is like burning down a house to rid it of a rat.
I say, let it burn.